Self-pity Sunday Scaries ...

Another Sunday almost over after a weekend of fun, laughs, memories made, and as per usual ... lots of tears.

Little things.  Mommom's voice on the phone, Matt making a wrong turn, Dad leaving for a week, Penguins loss, DJ’s win, watching Syracuse’s coach walk onto the court, every single time I hear Shallow... instant tears. 

I kept thinking in my head all day... “Why am I feeling this way?” “Why can’t I get my heart to slow down!” “Why am I yelling at Matt when he just wants to tell me more fun facts about sports?” “Why does my chest like it’s caving in?” “Why am I ruining all my blankets with these wet tears?” 

Then, I read my Jesus Calling book, catching up on the weekend. Yesterday’s message read:

“Be on guard against the pit of self-pity. When you are weary or unwell, this demonic trap is the greatest danger you face. Don’t even go near the edge of the pit. It’s edges crumble easily, and before you know it, you are on the way down. It is ever so much harder to get out of the pit than to keep a safe distance from it. That is why I tell you to be on guard.” Psalm 89:15-16

Perspective sometimes. Sometimes thats all I need. I mentioned last post, I live the best life. I have so much to look forward to, so much to be thankful for and so much happiness in my heart. 

After reading that, I really wanted to give myself a big shake, reminding myself of all those positive thoughts. 

“Why me?” is never a good look on anyone. I praised my mama up until her very last breath for never asking that question... I even mentioned in her eulogy how much faith she carried to the end, that this was part of His plan. 

Don’t get me wrong, damn life is unfair, but it is good. 

I need to be on guard. I do not want to fall into this self-pity funk. That is NOT who I am. If I want to follow my mama’s heart and gain her strength I need to remember that. 

I’m allowed to feel sad, to feel unsure, scared and “anxious”. I’m allowed to feel what I feel when I feel it. 

But I can’t and won’t let it define my everyday, especially right now when I have everything to look forward to. 

Actions speak louder than words and as I lay here tearfully writing this, I’m trying to remember tomorrow is a new day. 

I can choose to wake up with a smile. I will give my guy a kiss good bye and tell him to enjoy his trip. I will enjoy my kiddos hugs and silliness tomorrow. I can choose to laugh with friends and talk about the wedding excitement. I can choose to listen to my friends that have things they’d like to share... it really isn’t all about me, everyone has got their shit. I can go for a run after school. I can breathe the fresh air and I can choose to do the little things that make me happy throughout the day. 

Sunday scaries, often turn to moody Monday’s. But it doesn’t have to. 

Here’s to choosing to steer away (or to do my best) from the pit of self-pity and to make my Monday, simply, a new day. Here’s hoping!🤞🏼 

Trying Something New...

I don’t even know why I’m writing this other than I remember in my fear and sadness years ago, writing helped. 

I have the best life. I am marrying a man who loves me exactly for who I am. He makes me laugh, makes me roll my eyes and makes me dinner daily. He is my rock, my love and my forever. 

I have my daddy who is my other rock. You can have two right? He supports me, laughs at me and rolls his eyes at me daily (must be why I love them both so much). He is my maintenance man, my best friend and he always feeds into my needy ways. 

I have the best job in the world where I get to work with my best friend, my other rock. Oh shoot, I guess I’m up to three rocks. I also have my 36 little innocent kiddos who’s hugs and giggles, screams and wet diapers make my days fun! Work is my favorite distraction. 

I have the best of friends and family. Had my bridal shower this weekend with 98 people in attendance. We literally got every gift we had registered for! Now, our big beautiful house, in the perfect neighborhood feels more and more like our home. It’s a special place where our friends come and it feels like this is where we belong.  

We have our wedding day coming up in April. It’s going to be beautifully simple with 350 of our closest friends and family. Okay, well really my family and his closest friends. It has not been lost on me how blessed we truly are. It’s going to be a fun day, I’m not too stressed about things going wrong. 

Except I feel like things are wrong. My mama is not here. 

She wasn't here to celebrate our engagement, but all of my closest family and friends were there to celebrate. 

She wasn’t here for my dress shopping, but her girlies took me. 

She wasn’t here to help me pick colors, but my cousin was here to help me. 

She wasn’t here to help me with flowers, but her cousin and MomMom took me.

She wasn’t here to plan my shower, but my future mother in law, cousins, and aunts planned it for me. 

She is not here to help organize all my amazing gifts, but Matt ... actually no, that was all me. 

She is not here to make creative table numbers with me, but my brother and cousin are making them for me. 

Beyond the wedding.

She is not here to take my daddy (who is seemingly NOT sick, but has cancer) to chemo every three weeks, but my aunt Colleen is there for us. 

She is not here to binge watch the Bachelor, but my sister in law has watched with me. 

She is not here to talk to me when I am upset about my sister and my brother's troubles, and although we don't always agree, my dad is here for me. 

I love all of these memories with all of these special people in my life, but they are not my mama. 

I know what my Mama would tell me. 

"It is what it is Am." 

"Things will work out the way they're supposed to."

"You can't control it, let it go."

"Stop worrying, it doesn't help anything."

"You can only control your reaction, not the situation."

"Knock it off."

"Be you. Life is good." 

I know, I know that is what she would say. But I would do anything to actually hear her say it, to hear the voice that seems so far away.  I would do anything to feel her hand squeeze mine or to feel that light tickle on my foot.  I would do anything to hear her giggle at herself when she yells "God beepin-jeepin damnit" trying to prevent those darn curse words that always slipped out.  I would do anything to hear Daddy walk into Mama and I laying on the couch watching old Bruce YouTube videos or Ellen and yell to us "Hi Lucy and little Lucy" - or closer to the end "Hi Wheezy and little Wheezy!" 

I know this has turned into a memory blog post - but sometimes I just find myself having days that it is hard to understand God's plan.  I do believe that He took her because he needed her as an angel more.  I do believe that she is in a better place, that she is no longer in pain ... blah blah blah. 

But, it is still not fair. She should be here. Every dream of my special day had my Mama buttoning up my dress, wiping my tears to prevent my mascara from coming down my face, and laughing the day away with me and the girlies as we got read.  She would be waiting for me and Daddy at the end of the aisle with a smile and all the tears - probably thankful tears...she wasn't sure this day would come! ;) She would walk back down the aisle with Daddy ready to hug Matt and I, ready to take new family pictures... family pictures with all SIX of us in them, all SIX of us in a good place if for only one day. She would be there to watch Daddy and I dance to Butterfly Kisses. She would be drinking caramel apple martinis and eating all the bacon wrapped scallops. She would be ready to break out her awesome side to side head bob and arm shakes to Blurred Lines, rapping her favorite parts. Slow dancing with Daddy to Wonderful Tonight with Matt and I right by their side. She would be there at the end of the night to give us a hug, wishing us a happy night as our first married night, and end it with a "See you tomorrow." 

That is not what my day will be. I am having a really, really hard time this week trying to create a new picture of our day in my head. 

Please, please know that I know it will be the most beautiful day with the happiest of memories. I know that my friends and family, Matt and his friends and family, and my bridesmaids and Mama's girlies will make sure I enjoy every minute of what will be the greatest day of my life. I know my girls and I will laugh lots as we get ready. I know she will be smiling down on us as Daddy and I walk down the aisle. I know she will be welcoming Matt and I as husband and wife at the end of the aisle with open arms from Heaven. I know we will be drinking caramel apple martinis, dancing to some of her favorite songs and, of course, eating all the bacon wrapped scallops. I know she will be there in spirit and we will feel her there, loving every minute of our happiest day. 

Although this is a full blog of a pity party of missing my mama, which she would HATE, I needed this. I've spent the last 36 hours full of sadness and anxiety. I do not like to feel this way. I tried to write thank you notes, clean the house, put away gifts, take a nap, watch Say Yes to the Dress, go for a walk, talk about it with dad and my friends, but nothing has helped so far.  I am crying as I finish this, but I do feel like I know now these feelings are all stemming from one thing...

I just miss my mom.