Eggspecially Weird Easter

Seems funny to be so sad that it is our first Easter without any parents. I mean in a typical world, sure. But, today, no one gets to be with their loved ones. 

I woke up this morning feeling really “okay” with the fact that it was Easter. I was okay with the weirdness that we had no traditional breakfast/brunch with one family or the other. Honestly, it kind of felt like any other day…and for this year, full of firsts without Daddy, I was okay with that. 

As the day went on, it kind of started to hit me. It is my first Easter without my dad. Don’t get me wrong, we never really did follow an Easter tradition…at least not since Mama passed. And, really, even then, it was always a “leftovers” holiday. Not leftovers as in the food, leftovers as in the stragglers in our family. Whoever had nowhere to go, thats who we did Easter with each year. That in itself was a tradition I guess. Since dating Matt, we have seemed to split the holiday. Our first one, with my family, knowing it was going to be my mama’s last. The past two years, the boys golfed, the girls brunched. We all met up for a meal later in the day. It worked, it felt like a family holiday. 

This year, the plan was to travel to Hilton Head. We were going to meet Matt’s parents there and spend the week. It would have been weird not being with Jackson for our first year without dad, but I knew he would be okay, Mommom or Aunt Colleen or Tes would have taken him in for the day. It would have been hard, but it would have been something. While in Hilton Head, we were going to have an “after Easter” celebration with my Aunt Joan and Uncle Stuart and Matt’s family. Again, not a tradition, but would have been nice. 

Unfortunately, as we all know, God had other plans. We are all home. Daddy is still not here. We are not going to Hilton Head. We will not see our family. Nothing is right, not for any of us. And, now, my uncle Stuart joined our angels in Heaven to celebrate Easter. He lost his battle on April 9 to this horrible virus. 

I am lucky I am not alone, I have Matt. He could sense my sadness earlier, even though we were trying to push through it. I had a quick cry, but keep trying to just put it all in perspective. 

Not one of us is having the Easter we are used to.Not one of us went to church. Not one of us went to an Easter brunch. Not one of us is eating a big dinner around the big table with all of our loved ones. Not one of us is hugging our parents (unless, you know, you were lucky enough (if that's the right word) to be quarantined with them). This probably is not the “right” thing to say, but I oddly find comfort in the fact that no one is having the holiday they expected. I am not alone. We are not alone. 

Writing this literally had no other purpose other than for me to vent and truthfully I wasn’t even sure if I had enough words to make it worth a read. But, if nothing else, let me wish you all Happy Weirdest Easter and as for today, I hope you all found a sense of peace in the odd memories you are making. Matt and I enjoyed pizza for breakfast, cutting his hair, sitting by the fire pit listening to music while he smoked a cigar and going to enjoy some surf and turf for dinner. All together, I hope we can pray for health, comfort and positivity during the next few weeks/months of unknown. Happy Easter! <3 

What is Normal?

The world is upside down. We are full of fear, unknown and curiosity. Although the politicians tell us not to panic, it is hard for many to understand how, when or if this is going to ever settle down. What does the next month, three months, six months, year look like? 

When...no, will we ever go back to "normal"? 

Hey, with a question like that, you all have insight to the longing I have had in my conscious for the last ... well three years I guess. 

I often find myself using the phrase "I am longing for normalcy." But, sometimes, when I say it I try to close my eyes and picture what that looks like. 

The last 3.5 years of my life have been life changing. When I think of "normal" I think of (Before Mom ... was sick and Before Matt) or (After Mom ... was sick and After Matt). I will refer to those years as BM (gross I know) and AM. 

BM - I don't even really remember what life was like. I, of course, have all the memories of my Mama. I remember all of our beach days, binge watching, driving aimlessly ending up at Target and HomeGoods almost everytime, I remember our happy hours - martinis and nachos, I remember watching SNL with her and Daddy on Saturday nights and the way they made fun of me for not having a boyfriend and choosing the hang out with them always. I remember going for walks, I remember her fajitas and banana bread, I remember her smell, the way she would hold my hand or my foot when I was close to her, I remember being 100% unapologetically myself and her love of that. 

That "normal" was taken from us around the same time as I met Matt. Finding a new normal with my best friend very sick and allowing a new best friend into my life ... it was complicated. But I adjusted, with lots of support and truthfully, some needed medication.  

AM is/was hard. I am just like my mama in that I find any change difficult. I like my routine, structure and normalcy. Three and a half years ago, everything I knew was flipped upside down in just a short six months and since then things just continue to ... I guess change is just the best word. 

I thank God daily for Matt. I remember at our rehearsal dinner my dad gave a short speech and he said "unbeknownst (didn't even know this was a real word!) to all of us, Matt entered our lives when we ALL needed him most." I didn't know it then, but that could not have been more true. Matt had become my normal. Thank God. 

Once Mama passed, my heart was torn. Luckily Daddy and Matt split a lot of my mama's best friend duties and I was able to find comfort in their love and support. But I had an internal struggle, how do I fall in love with Matt, but also take care of the man I love the most? Daddy made it easy, you know him, "everything was okay", even when it wasn't. Our normal was going to appointments, meeting for dinner a couple times a week, me creating projects in my house that I needed him to fix...to hold on to that last glimpse of norm. He was a pro at making me feel at ease and although his way of dealing with all of the change was VERY different than my mama's, he kept the most important factor always: positivity. 

Matt also made it easy. He let me be my daddy's little girl, take care of my daddy all while he was taking care of my needs. I think that is what my daddy was talking about when he said we ALL needed Matt. Daddy had always been my "go-to" guy for everything and I was very reluctant to let Matt become that. 

Daddy saw that Matt was going to be everything I needed, despite my best efforts to not let him, and I think that gave him peace when he passed. He knew I was going to be taken care of. 

Once again, my "normal" was new. I had no idea how to navigate life without my dad...and now pregnant. 

Figuring out how to balance excitement about the baby, grieving my dad, emotions about the houses and businesses, trying to figure out a relationship with my siblings, understand legal terms and have to make phone calls, using support from family and friends to find my way ... that has been my normal for the last six months. I was so lucky to have work, my best frousins, my silly best friends, some travel, and baby preparations to keep me moving forward and putting a lot of things in perspective. 

But, like a lot of the world, my normal has once again changed. I can't go to work. I can't be with my frousins. I can't go to the baby store to see what else I need. I can't go on the planned vacation. I can't sell my daddy's house. I can't go to Target because I feel like it. 

Its funny, based on my anxiety history, you'd think I would be a hot mess during this time...but oddly, I am not too bad. Today, I am emotional, but that happens to me on rainy days. 

My new normal is weird, it is different, it is unlike any normal I have ever attempted to navigate, but also... 

I am so thankful that neither my mama or daddy are still living (sick) during this time. My mama was a rule-follower. She would not have left the house (although, maybe she would have cleaned out some of that basement so we didn't have to). She would have been super bossy and I can only imagine the conversations we would have had. 

My daddy, not so much. I can picture his eye-roll and "this is bullshit" attitude. I know he would have had three Wawa coffees a day, been at the office, and ordering Scottos or Kettle and Grille take out daily. Being cautious wasn't his thing. I think then, my anxiety would be through the roof. 

I am thankful that I have Matt to play with me. He is trying to keep me happy during this time, constantly asking if I need anything or want to do anything. He has been good about taking me out for walks, humoring my nesting, and coming up with house projects we can do together. I know it sounds like I am his dog or his 4-year-old, but sometimes I think he feels like that too! ;) 

I am thankful for FaceTime and being able to still see my friends and cousins regularly. I laughed a little bit the other day because Mommom told me she feels like Anne Frank. I tried to remind her - we are not hiding, we are not in imminent danger, and we are not (silently) playing with the same wooden toys over and over. We have the ability to call each other, text, watch TV shows together, workout together, continue our jobs, and go outside. Yes, it sucks. A lot. But, it is not the same as Anne Frank. ;) 

I am thankful for the grocery stores being open so Matt can make me his yummy foods. I am thankful for the doctor's and hospitals, for all the obvious reasons but also so that I can have my pre-natal appointments and still feel at ease that everything is going as expected. I am thankful for delivery drivers who are still bringing me all the non-essential items I need (Yesterday-scrunchies because lets be real, I am not doing my hair. Today - paint because I am going to paint a bunch of pieces from Dad's house to match ours. Tomorrow - a cool mirror that will look good in our entry way.) I am thankful for all of the first responders for continuing to keep us safe in a whole new way than usual. 

So for today, my normal is taking my time waking up, making my coffee, having a cookie for breakfast, signing onto my classroom and emails, encouraging my kiddos and parents, make some lunch, come up with a house chore I can do, do some yoga stretches (my lower back is sore these days!) watch some TV or read a book, check in on school stuff, maybe take a shower, look forward to the dinner Matt is cooking, watch Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and one of our shows. I will go to bed, say my prayers, and do it all again tomorrow (hopefully with some sunshine). 

In a time of chaos and extreme craziness, follow my mama's favorite quote. 

"Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we react to it." Find the "I get to" instead of the "I can't" moments. Remember we are all in this together, you are definitely not alone in this one. 

If nothing else, over the last few years I have learned that normal is just a theory. Our lives are constantly changing. Each day, especially now, we are all doing our best to find our new normal...until the next change comes. :) 

Best Worst Year of My Life...

I know it is cliche to write my year in review. But, in the last couple weeks I kept finding myself saying "oh I am so happy to say good-bye to 2019, it was NOT my favorite year!" I have said it many times. 

However, one of the last times I said it, I thought wait...I also got married in 2019 - that was the best day. I got to dance to Whip It with my daddy at my wedding - that was a favorite moment. I also got a day on the beach with my dad, sister and brother altogether - that was a good day. I travelled to Florida for my bachelorette party and rode on the ATV with the Phanatic, we went to Aruba for our honeymoon, to California for a wedding - those were all special trips. Most recently, Matt and I found out we are expecting a baby in 2020 - the most special blessing. 

But also, I lost my daddy, my rock, my maintenance man, my voice of reason, my best audience, my very best friend. He was just like my mama, he was strong until his very last breath. 

God's timing is so interesting. One of my standard lines over the last year has been "I hate God's plan, but I respect his timing." 

Six months before my mama died, I met Matt. Six months after, he asked me to marry him. Daddy was diagnosed with cancer. Six months later was our wedding and Daddy was as healthy as could be. Six months later, Daddy died. 

I know that God's timing is not a mistake.

Lately, I have been trying to wrap my head around being pregnant. Matt and I had planned to try after our trip to Napa in October (I did not want to be sober in Napa Valley!) I had stopped my birth control in September, knowing that many of my cousins and friends needed a couple months to get their bodies regulated before they were able to get pregnant. I kept telling Matt, it'll happen when it happens and we were not going to put any pressure on it. Once October hit and we saw the quick downfall with Daddy, trying was not a priority for me. I was at work, at chemo or doctors with Dad or at his house most of the time. 

I know it was a hard time for Matt too as he could see my fear and sadness and being through this once before, just two years ago, he knew there was not much he could do but to be there when I needed him. 

At our rehearsal dinner, Daddy gave a short speech and said "Matt, unbeknownst to all of us, God put you in our lives at a time that not only Amy needed you most, but we all needed you." I think of that sentence often. I needed...need Matt. But my daddy needed Matt in his life, he needed him to stand up, to be everything my daddy was for me. He needed to know that if he were to leave us, I would be okay. My daddy, like me, believe God's plan was not ours, but his timing was helpful. 

Right now, the baby seems overwhelming. I think I keep using that word but I think it is fear, sadness, and anxieties taking over. And to be brutally honest, I don't even think it is the baby that is "overwhelming" me. 

Daddy died in October. He has three houses, four cars, two businesses, eighteen-bajillion bank accounts, years of Cherylyn Burns hoarding (pictures, beanie babies, party supplies, mattresses, receipts). There are tax laws I don't understand, there are rules about estates, life insurance policies, fees, and beneficiaries and assets. There are my siblings who do not make anything easy. There are opinions from near and far about what to do, who to involve, who to not involve, how to handle things, how to avoid things, etc. IT IS A LOT. 

There is a baby coming in July. I have all the things above to deal with, plus ... just the typical getting ready for a baby things. Its not even the physical things I need to do to prepare for a baby, but my mental and emotional stability. 

I know I am going to be a great mama. I have known that since I was four and putting baby dolls in my belly. I know every day when I go to work and when I can't wait to go back to hug those kiddos the next day. I know every time I am with my cousins and have to "give back" their kids that I am "ready". But... what does ready really mean. 

I know, I know, you are never really ready, never really prepared...but when am I going to be able to be excited and not feel so much of the sadness? When will I feel like God's plan makes sense, that his timing was right this time too? When will I stop crying at the thought that my baby will never know my parents?...My baby will never know Mama's silly eye roll, her snarky sense of humor, or her soft touch or Daddy's cackling laugh, his yelling "score" during a Penguins game or get one of his clever nicknames. When will I stop being anxious about the times I want a sitter and Matt's parents are busy or traveling and my parents aren't around? When will I stop wishing my siblings were likely to have cousins for my baby someday? When will I stop being jealous of all the people, my husband included, who do have their parents and siblings for support, love, and friendship? 

I hope none of this sounds like me complaining or being ungrateful. I am thankful for so many things in my life, I have spent a lot of my life trying to find the positives in all things and situations showing gratitude for all the things that I do have. But, tonight, I am feeling sad. I am feeling slightly defeated and I am feeling scared. 

I am still going to my therapist. I have let me doctor know about my past with anxieties. I am going to Maternal Fetal Medicine next week. They are classifying me as "high risk" due to my Chiari Malformation, for my safety, not necessarily the babies. But, I will be talking to them about anxiety medication that may be safe during pregnancy. 

I know my anxieties are valid. I know most pregnant women have fear, emotions, and that all feelings are heightened. I know I am grieving. I know all this, I promise. I just am having a rough week with grieving and then feeling guilty about my lack of excitement for the baby. It's an internal battle, and I know I am "allowed" to feel what I feel. 

Everything in my life was turned upside down just over two months ago. I have no control and no sense of normalcy right now. I don't have my daddy to call, don't have my "parents house" to visit, I can't eat a turkey hoagie and chicken is grossing me out, I am so tired, I can not take my anxiety medication or sleeping aids, I can't drink wine to decompress, I am constantly dealing with phone calls from business people, lawyers, financial advisers, banks, etc, having to make decisions regarding my siblings, and all of dad's estate stuff, and I need to clean out memories of my parents and my childhood in a quick few weeks. Other than work, literally nothing in my life feels the same. 

I do feel bad for Matt, because really...nothing in his life has changed except I cry more and am much more stressed. I know he feels helpless, but it is really hard for me to even express what I need him to do to help me feel more normal. I also get irritated so quickly when he isn't "helping" make the phone calls, make the decisions, etc. He is, he is doing his best. I know he is. But, also...it is still jealousy I think. I am jealous he doesn't have to deal first hand with any of the things I need to do daily. I am jealous it is not the first thing he thinks of when he wakes up or the last thing he thinks of before bed. I am jealous that he gets to have regular phone calls during his work day and that he can go meet his mom and dad for lunch. I am jealous that he can just watch TV and not think of all the things that need to be done. I am jealous that he can drink the martini that I want. I know this jealousy is something I need to work through and I know it doesn't look good on me, but some days I just can not help how I feel. I know I have written that five times already, but its the truth. 

I am lucky Matt and I have been through this already. I am lucky that we are having a baby together and that he is so excited about being a dad - but only if it is a boy ;). I am lucky that I love my job, that my friends at work are some of my biggest supporters. I am lucky I have all my cousins, Mama's friends, aunts, my grandparents, my aunts, etc. I am lucky my cousin Jake has come to stay in NJ for now to help with business things. I am lucky I have lots of offers for help to go through the houses and office. I am lucky I have friends that check in with me and who understand that I am not being the best of friends right now. I am lucky to have my health. I am lucky to have Matt and I am lucky he gives me space when I need it and that we can communicate well. I am lucky to have him love me the way he does. I am lucky...blessed.

I do not want the positive memories and the most fun times of my life in 2019 to be overcome by the past two months. I choose to remember the happy as much and as often as I possibly can. There are just nights like tonight, where I need to just let it out. 

This blog definitely isn't my favorite. I didn't showcase how funny I am or put in any of my mama's snarky humor or daddy's sarcastic remarks ... I just needed to be brutally honest and get my thoughts in some sort of disorganized order. 

There is a Chris Young song called "Drowning" and tonight (and past couple days)...this is how I am feeling. 

Since you've been gone I've had to find

Different ways to grieve

There's days that I don't even want it on my mind

But tonight I'm weak

So, I'm gonna pull out pictures, ones with you in 'em

Laugh and cry a little while reminiscing

By myself

I can't help

That all I think about is

How you were taken way too soon

It ain't the same here without you

I gotta say, missing you comes in waves

And tonight I'm drowning

I do not want you to worry, I promise I still believe life is good, I will choose to smile and I will continue to work towards my new normal. Here is to a good, happy and healthy 2020. :) 

Slither of Hope

I am sitting at Daddy's house right now, watching him sleep. Seems like it is our new norm these days. I, we, miss the days where he was active and more lively. 

Daddy's long detailed medical case in some bullet points. 

- The tumor in the lung has stayed stable and actually shrunk a little bit. 
- The tumor(s) in the liver has spread, there are more "spots" showing. 
- He is yellow. Like very yellow, his eyes, belly, legs, arms, forehead, all yellow. (I am starting to rethink my favorite color) 
- His ankles are very swollen making it difficult to walk. 
- His belly is very swollen and rock hard (he says bloated). 
- He is chronically tired and weak. 
- He was talked into getting a port put in to make his infusions easier, had one infusion with it and is thankful he got it!
- He is tired of being tired. 


I, we, are holding on to hope as he just finished his first cycle (three treatments) of a new, more aggressive chemo. He has a week off this week and then will begin another cycle before they do another scan. 

Last week was really rough. Dad was struggling. It seemed the symptoms were worsening and chemo side effects were uncomfortable. He had no interest in doing anything. He was grumpy, my dad is rarely grumpy. He was frustrated and angry at everything and anything (how dare they make Apple computers). 

I was struggling. I only had interest in doing what dad was doing (three days of three appointments - thankful for work being flexible with my family leave). I wasn't necessarily grumpy but I was sad. Really sad. I was frustrated and angry. 

I don't understand why my daddy has to feel like this. I don't understand why my sister, brother and I have to watch another parent feel so horrible and be so helpless. 

I always think back to Proverbs 3:5 "Trust in the lord with all your heart and do not lean on your own understanding." 

I used to reread this verse to myself when my sister was using, when my mom first got diagnosed with breast cancer, when I had to get brain surgery, when my brother was using, when my mom got sick again, while I took care of my mama and watched her struggle to breathe, when my mama died too young, when my sister and brother were struggling with her death in their own way, when I was worried about my dad being lonely, and now I need to read and reread it... as I am living some deja vu moments as I watch my daddy struggle to do simple life tasks due to cancer.

Lately he spends most of his time in the recliner, her recliner. His belly is "bloated", so was hers. His legs are weak, so were hers. He is tired, so was she. 

I know, I know each sickness is its own, there are no two alike, but I can not help but to compare my feelings watching it all over again. 

I keep trying to decide if it is easier this time or harder. I can't even believe I let myself think that way. Like, "hmmm...was it easier to watch Mama struggle then or Daddy now?" Ugh. But it's hard not to. 

So many things feel the same as I explained above, but so much of it is different. 

When Mama was sick, Daddy was there. He took the brunt of taking care of her. We had an incredible support system and my mom was annoyingly good at staying in contact with everyone and making sure no one felt bad for her. She wanted people around her at all times. Although I spent a whole lot of my time with my mama when she was sick (and always before as well), I was always confident someone was with her and she was in good hands. 

With Daddy its a little different. Mama isn't here. She isn't here to make sure he is fed, to make sure he is comfortable and to make sure he safely walks to the bathroom or gets out of bed. I know we still have the support system, but Daddy doesn't always need someone here. He appreciates all the check-ins, but he doesn't crave it like my mama did. And, it is still a little different as Daddy is able to take care of himself for the most part, but the comfort of knowing someone is there... thats what is missing. 

I have to give Jackson credit. He has stepped up big time in the last week. He moved back home from LBI. He has grocery shopped, done laundry, cooked for Dad and is always checking to make sure he is comfortable. Jackson doesn't get annoyed when I ask him ten times a day if dad ate, how he slept, hows he looking, etc. I am happy he is home. I know Daddy is too. 

I need to remind myself that God is only giving me what I can handle. I know he thinks I am strong, look how much he has given me. I feel like I say this a lot in my writing, but in no way am I looking for pity or even feeling self-pity. I just have so many feelings and emotions and the most productive way for me to organize them is through writing. The tears of any sort (happy, sad, anxious, scared, nervous, frustrated) get old...just ask poor Matt and Dad. 

One of my mom's aunts texted me this morning saying "This is WAY too much for someone your age to have to deal with." Selfishly, I think that too sometimes. 

But then I remind myself, I am not a child. I am not even that young. I am 32 next month. I am an adult. This is life. My mama would agree I think. Does it all stink and seem unfair sometimes, sure. But, I had 29.5 years with the greatest Mama in the whole wide world. I am going on 32 years with the greatest Daddy in the whole wide world. We have had the best of years and my parents became my best friends. Not everyone is that lucky. 

So after a week of more tears than I care to admit, more lack of faith than I care to admit, and more fear than I care to admit, I have decided to find the positivity in it all. Daddy's ankle swelling seems to have subsided a bit this morning/afternoon. He did go to work for an hour or so today. He has a week off of chemo and hopefully it will do its job and he will start to feel more like himself. He has a port, so the next few infusions won't be as painful for him. He joined Jackson and I at the dinner table tonight, only for a couple minutes and only ate a couple bites, but he tried. He is not ready to give up the fight yet. He wants to still be here, and lets be honest, he really just wants to golf again. 

But I also am trying to be at peace with the thought that when it is his time to go (hopefully years from now) he will get to be with Mama again. She will be there with open arms and probably a good ole' "You love me damnit". They really are what people call "relationship goals". 

Sorry Matt, lots to live up to babe! :) 

Anyway, please keep up the prayers and positive thoughts and lets just keep the hope that my Daddy's liver becomes happy again and we can get him back on that golf course. The small little moments of improvement are each a slither of hope..Prayers for more! 

Helpless

Helpless. It’s the only word I can think of to describe the way I feel the past two months. 

My anxiety is being driven by my dads lack of energy, lack of golfing, lack of excitement. 

I’ve probably mentioned before that my daddy is so much of my world. We talk all day every day whether he likes it or not. We have dinner together multiple times a week. We talk about anything and everything. He is my rock. But he’s crumbling. 

He has lung cancer that has spread to his liver. For the last 6 months he has been getting chemo once a week for two weeks and then a week off. After his last CT scan they saw the lung and liver were stable (good news) but there seemed to be a shadow around his T9 vertebra, which also was fractured. 

He had been complaining about lower back pain since the beginning of June. He went to the chiropractor and continued to golf through the pain, however he felt that the pain traveled up his back and now it hurt in the middle. Timing just seemed to be on our side that the CT scan was scheduled for beginning of July and showed the fracture. The doctors were uncertain if the cancer was eating at the bone or if the chemo made his bones weaker and the chiropractor just applied too much pressure. Either way they decided that a biopsy was an extra procedure that his body didn’t need and that radiation would be a good next step. He went through five days of radiation with a bone scan in the middle of it. 

Radiation made him tired but he was feeling okay otherwise. The pain in the back was strong and he was having difficulty getting in and out of bed, twisting side to side, and standing for any period of time. 

After the five days, the radiation oncologist read the bone scan telling us the best news...cancer is not in the bone! 

We were all SO relieved with all the happy tears. He just needed to continue to relax and rest because that’s the only way to heal this fracture and get him back on the golf course. He was expected to restart his chemo the following week. 

The following week, they ran his blood work (all good) and discussed his pain levels. He was eating very little due to heartburn and indigestion (from radiation) and had lost some weight. The doctor, dad and Aunt Colleen decided it was a good idea to hold off on chemo for another two weeks to prevent radiation side effects mixing with chemo side effects. Doc said no reason to make him feel worse. They decided to give him Xgeva, a shot in his arm, which is a medicine used to prevent fractures in bones due to cancerous tumors. 

Well. After the fact, we wish he hadn’t had the shot. He is having many negative side effects including fatigue, insomnia, bloating, pain in his lower back and thighs, and overall weakness. He has not slept more than 4 hours during any given night despite trying every remedy we could come up with both natural and medicinal. He is reluctantly eating because of bloating and stomach cramping. He is napping in short spurts during the day, other days trying to keep himself awake to be able to sleep at night. It’s a vicious cycle. 

He is exhausted. He is hurting. He has lost a lot of weight. He is bored. He misses golf and his friends. He misses traveling. He misses enjoying the little things he loves to do each day, as of right now most things (even going to get a coffee) feel like a chore. 

For those of you who know my dad...this isn’t him. He is smiley. He is happy. He is willing to do anything for pretty much anybody (especially me!) and yet lately, he can’t. 

He won’t read this because he told me he can’t read anything I write anymore, makes him too sad. I need to write this because how he is feeling makes me too sad. 

He should be the one that is anxious. But I think it’s more than an anxiety for us both. I think we are both truly sad. 

He’s sad, he’s sick, and he’s just over being tired. And I can’t do anything about it. 

I think I’m writing this because we need prayers. He needs all the prayers and positive thoughts sent his way. We know we have the support system, we’ve been through this. We know we do. But when we are all helpless, we can only count on our faith to pull him through this storm. 

It’s funny. When you go in for chemo, they ask how you’re feeling. We list all the things that don’t feel good, the things that are causing discomfort. And somehow the nurses have a way of comforting you. They give suggestions how to handle the pain, ways to prevent it next time. They speak so matter of factly and show compassion. They make us feel more at ease. 

It still stinks. A lot. He’s still not sleeping and still isn’t feeling good. But I am so hopeful that next week when we come, he will feel even an ounce better and we will all be on a road to recovery. 

I know this is his fight, but it’s a battle we are all are a part of. Him, obviously. Me, dealing with the anxiety, the sadness and the fear each day. Trying my best not to question why, remembering the timing was important, he was there for the wedding feeling great. Trying to not make this about me. Matt, who more than I care to admit has been extremely patient with me because I am constantly worried, crying, planning around time with Dad. Maggie, who is so far away and constantly worried about him. Jackson, who in his own (not always ideal) way is dealing with his own anxiety and fears. 

It’s so much easier to “forget” Dad is sick, when he is normal. I know, duh, but it’s true. When he was busy, golfing, fixing stuff, working, traveling, enjoying life for all that it was still it was a lot easier. I may have said this once already, but he is my rock and yet I feel like we are both crumbling. 

So if nothing else I am writing this today, yesterday and the day before to simple just ask for the prayers. 

Please just pray for my daddy to regain his strength, his sleep (maybe this the most) and then for him to get his golf game back so he can go back to being the smiley, happy, active guy we all know and love. 💛🖤👨🏽‍🌾

Won't Ask Why Me

The holidays that have nothing to do with my mama seem to be the hardest. Seems silly. 

Sitting at dinner tonight with Matt’s family and me and dad I couldn’t help but to feel a little sad, anxious even. My mama would have loved just lounging in the sunroom, “watching” golf, reading a book, watching the rain, eating appetizers and being with family. It makes me so sad some days when I remember that’s not something she will ever do with us, I’ll never know what it’s like to have our full family together. 

My dad is the best. He is the definition of strength. 

I thought my mama was, and he’s just showing her up. She was sick, she didn’t let it bring her down. She knew she was dying and she still lived. She could barely breathe and she still made new memories. 

He cared for her when he was sick. He watched helplessly as she took her last breaths and like her, he never once asked why me. 

He spent a year grieving her death, dealing with me (the needy one), Maggie being far away and Jackson seeming a little lost. He was more than a father at this time. He was my therapist, my hope, my strength, my mom, my friend and my rock. One year is all we had to create our new normal before we got the news of my dad’s cancer. 

My dad’s cancer. It sucks. Mostly because, for the most part, he feels good. He looks better than he has in the last three years and minus some old man aches and pains, he still feels good. He’s golfing 3-5 days a week, traveling with friends and trying to stay busy. This week he doesn’t even have time to fit in a much needed haircut! 

That being said, there are still appointments every week, chemo that affects his body and taste, scans that have to be done and so much still unknown. It’s scary. Yet, my superhero dad, once again, is supporting me when I’m being needy, smiling through treatments, and taking advantage of extra naps. Like my mama, not once has he asked why me. 

Because I’ve watched, admired and aspired to be just like them both in their love, strength and selflessness, I refuse to ask why me. 

But I can’t promise to not feel sad when I’m sitting at a full dinner table when I know someone is missing. I can’t promise not to be sad when I see my sister in law laying on her mama, or my cousins making all new memories with theirs. I can’t promise not be sad when I’m laying in bed at night, thinking about my dad being alone or just simply, my mama not being there. I can’t promise not to feel sad, even though I know life is good. 

I never want to sound like I want pity or that I’m depressed or not functioning to my potential. 

I love my life. I love my husband (hehe still funny to say). I love my dad. I love my best frousins and friends. I love my job and people I work with. I love my house and my town. I love the opportunities I have to travel. I love the life I live, I will just always wish she was still living in it. 

One of my friends was trying to put a positive spin on things and anytime she would say “I have to” she would replace it with “I get to” and it really made an impact. 

I get to do all the things I love. I get to be with the ones I love. I get to go to (most) appointments with dad and be there for him. I get to talk to my siblings and keep a relationship with them. I get to go to a job each day that I love. I get to go on vacations and see friends and live in my beautiful house. I get to live this great life. 

This is one of those notes I’m writing unsure of what the purpose. I think it’s an “I’m not sure why I’m crying and my hearts beating so fast” kind of night and it helps to write. 

I think being Father’s Day and spending it just me and dad with my in laws was weird. For the record, Dad will say it wasn’t weird and I’m just being needy again. But to me, this year, it felt weird. 

I’m not sure if it was because I was missing mom, or the fear of what the next year holds for me or for dad, or that it’s the end of the school year and I always get anxious when my routine changes. Who knows. I’m trying to remember to just allow myself to feel it and move on. Tomorrow is a new day. 

I promise to not ask why me and I promise not to say why not someone else. I wouldn’t wish these sad, anxious feelings on anyone else. I know I got this. I know to let go and let God. I know. But man, I pray that he gives me the strength that he has given my parents to get through all the unknown that’s coming our way. Life is good, and I’m so glad I get to live it.

Not Anxious...

Woohoo! I am married. Me, married! If you read my last blog, it was a major concern of mine... and well, my mama's. 

But I did it. I found my man. Our wedding was perfect, everything we both pictured and more. I would go back and redo that day every day for the rest of my life. My dad said during his speech at the rehearsal dinner, Matt came into our lives at a time when we all needed him and unbeknownst to him, we ALL needed him. He has been my rock, my tissue, my love and my best friend for the last two years. I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him and can't believe he chose me...especially after the last two years of emotions he has had to deal with! :) 

I posted on Facebook last night because Matt said to me, "You better drink some more water, because your body is going to run out with all the tears you've let out today."

And reality, some days are just like that. He asked what was wrong and the answer is, it feels like everything. I know, I know, I am blessed, I am lucky, I know. Everything is not really the answer, but today thats how I feel.

My mama isn't here. She missed my wedding. I know my angel girl was there and there were little signs all day long that she was, but she was not there, not physically. And, yes, it makes me feel good to know she was there in spirit, but it is not the same. 

My daddy is sick, even though he says the doctors are just making it up. After scans, it was apparent that the immunotherapy they were treating his cancer with wasn't enough "maintenance" and he would need to start chemotherapy. Not news we were hoping to hear. He has started a new, more frequent routine. He has had a couple more side effects this time than he did with the previous chemo, but hoping he continues to feel as good as he says he does. It has been a joke with dad and the nurses that honeymooning at Penn in the treatment room wasn't exactly what we had hoped for! :) 

Matt's traveling a bit in the next few months and loves to golf in his free time. I have no issue with either, knowing that is part of the job and his favorite thing to do. I grew up with a dad that lived a very similar lifestyle. The part I am struggling most with right now is that my mama isn't here to spend that lonely time with me. I know I have friends and family and frousins that would happily spend time with me. But again, guys, its not the same. 

My mama and I would jump in the car and run to HomeGoods and Christmas Tree Shoppe. She would help me plant my flowers and remind me the names of all the ones we liked. She would go for a walk with me or we could binge watch our shows. She would talk over Bruce and Jackson lyrics to explain to me the importance of the songs. She would ride to the shore with me for the day, we would put the sheets on the beds so the house is ready when we go down. She would sit in sweatshirts with me on the beach or on the deck, read a book, or just talk silly stuff together. 

My mama would be proud of me. She would be proud of the relationship I have with Matt and she would be proud that I committed to a man that loves me the way he does. She would make fun of me for being so "needy" at times and she would laugh that I didn't have to learn to cook because I have a man for that now. Mama would be proud of the way I enjoyed every minute of my wedding day, not allowing me to get lost in the pain of missing her. My mama would be proud of the simple ways we honored her and proud of Daddy that day. 

She would be proud of my Daddy's positivity and strength during his own battle. I don't think she would actually believe that he is as positive and strong as he is. We always worried when he got a cold, because neither one of us had ever been that sick before! ;) 

I know, and Daddy knows, he learned that positivity and that strength from my mama girl. He learned how to say "it is what it is" and to not be overly anxious (or to hide it well) from my mama. He learned to hide his fear and to live each day as he wants to, he does not let anything keep him off the golf course. My mama taught him all of this. She would be so proud of him. 

I am so proud of him.

I know I got my moms humor, her mannerisms, her body-type and her love of family. I know I got her positivity, her ability to be honest, and her love of life. 

I got so many qualities from my mama, so many of her great ones. But I worry I did not get her fearlessness, her strength, and her ability to shrug and say "it is what it is" in all scenarios. 

I am scared. I am scared of continuing into the next step of my life, married, wanting kids, without my mom. I am worried about raising kids without her love, her help, and her words of wisdom. I am worried about figuring out how to always be okay with all the golf weekends, and not because I don't want him to, but because I am jealous I can't do my favorite thing...hang out with my mom. I am scared for my dad. He will be mad that I write this, but I am scared he doesn't always feel as good as he says. I am scared that he is going to have a heart attack due to stress of life before the cancer even starts to affect him. I am scared that I am going to live a similar journey with him that I did just two years ago with my mama. I know I will handle all that comes my way, I know I have learned I can handle more than I think. But I am not ready. I am not ready to handle all of that again, especially so soon. I am scared. 

I have written before about my therapist once saying, "Stop questioning how or why you feel. Feel it, and then move on."  Sometimes the move on period is merely minutes, hours. This time, it feels like days. I know it will pass. I know I am okay. I know I am happy. I know I am the luckiest girl. I know life is good. 

But today, just for today (well and yesterday, maybe tomorrow), I am sad and I am scared.