What is Normal?

The world is upside down. We are full of fear, unknown and curiosity. Although the politicians tell us not to panic, it is hard for many to understand how, when or if this is going to ever settle down. What does the next month, three months, six months, year look like? 

When...no, will we ever go back to "normal"? 

Hey, with a question like that, you all have insight to the longing I have had in my conscious for the last ... well three years I guess. 

I often find myself using the phrase "I am longing for normalcy." But, sometimes, when I say it I try to close my eyes and picture what that looks like. 

The last 3.5 years of my life have been life changing. When I think of "normal" I think of (Before Mom ... was sick and Before Matt) or (After Mom ... was sick and After Matt). I will refer to those years as BM (gross I know) and AM. 

BM - I don't even really remember what life was like. I, of course, have all the memories of my Mama. I remember all of our beach days, binge watching, driving aimlessly ending up at Target and HomeGoods almost everytime, I remember our happy hours - martinis and nachos, I remember watching SNL with her and Daddy on Saturday nights and the way they made fun of me for not having a boyfriend and choosing the hang out with them always. I remember going for walks, I remember her fajitas and banana bread, I remember her smell, the way she would hold my hand or my foot when I was close to her, I remember being 100% unapologetically myself and her love of that. 

That "normal" was taken from us around the same time as I met Matt. Finding a new normal with my best friend very sick and allowing a new best friend into my life ... it was complicated. But I adjusted, with lots of support and truthfully, some needed medication.  

AM is/was hard. I am just like my mama in that I find any change difficult. I like my routine, structure and normalcy. Three and a half years ago, everything I knew was flipped upside down in just a short six months and since then things just continue to ... I guess change is just the best word. 

I thank God daily for Matt. I remember at our rehearsal dinner my dad gave a short speech and he said "unbeknownst (didn't even know this was a real word!) to all of us, Matt entered our lives when we ALL needed him most." I didn't know it then, but that could not have been more true. Matt had become my normal. Thank God. 

Once Mama passed, my heart was torn. Luckily Daddy and Matt split a lot of my mama's best friend duties and I was able to find comfort in their love and support. But I had an internal struggle, how do I fall in love with Matt, but also take care of the man I love the most? Daddy made it easy, you know him, "everything was okay", even when it wasn't. Our normal was going to appointments, meeting for dinner a couple times a week, me creating projects in my house that I needed him to fix...to hold on to that last glimpse of norm. He was a pro at making me feel at ease and although his way of dealing with all of the change was VERY different than my mama's, he kept the most important factor always: positivity. 

Matt also made it easy. He let me be my daddy's little girl, take care of my daddy all while he was taking care of my needs. I think that is what my daddy was talking about when he said we ALL needed Matt. Daddy had always been my "go-to" guy for everything and I was very reluctant to let Matt become that. 

Daddy saw that Matt was going to be everything I needed, despite my best efforts to not let him, and I think that gave him peace when he passed. He knew I was going to be taken care of. 

Once again, my "normal" was new. I had no idea how to navigate life without my dad...and now pregnant. 

Figuring out how to balance excitement about the baby, grieving my dad, emotions about the houses and businesses, trying to figure out a relationship with my siblings, understand legal terms and have to make phone calls, using support from family and friends to find my way ... that has been my normal for the last six months. I was so lucky to have work, my best frousins, my silly best friends, some travel, and baby preparations to keep me moving forward and putting a lot of things in perspective. 

But, like a lot of the world, my normal has once again changed. I can't go to work. I can't be with my frousins. I can't go to the baby store to see what else I need. I can't go on the planned vacation. I can't sell my daddy's house. I can't go to Target because I feel like it. 

Its funny, based on my anxiety history, you'd think I would be a hot mess during this time...but oddly, I am not too bad. Today, I am emotional, but that happens to me on rainy days. 

My new normal is weird, it is different, it is unlike any normal I have ever attempted to navigate, but also... 

I am so thankful that neither my mama or daddy are still living (sick) during this time. My mama was a rule-follower. She would not have left the house (although, maybe she would have cleaned out some of that basement so we didn't have to). She would have been super bossy and I can only imagine the conversations we would have had. 

My daddy, not so much. I can picture his eye-roll and "this is bullshit" attitude. I know he would have had three Wawa coffees a day, been at the office, and ordering Scottos or Kettle and Grille take out daily. Being cautious wasn't his thing. I think then, my anxiety would be through the roof. 

I am thankful that I have Matt to play with me. He is trying to keep me happy during this time, constantly asking if I need anything or want to do anything. He has been good about taking me out for walks, humoring my nesting, and coming up with house projects we can do together. I know it sounds like I am his dog or his 4-year-old, but sometimes I think he feels like that too! ;) 

I am thankful for FaceTime and being able to still see my friends and cousins regularly. I laughed a little bit the other day because Mommom told me she feels like Anne Frank. I tried to remind her - we are not hiding, we are not in imminent danger, and we are not (silently) playing with the same wooden toys over and over. We have the ability to call each other, text, watch TV shows together, workout together, continue our jobs, and go outside. Yes, it sucks. A lot. But, it is not the same as Anne Frank. ;) 

I am thankful for the grocery stores being open so Matt can make me his yummy foods. I am thankful for the doctor's and hospitals, for all the obvious reasons but also so that I can have my pre-natal appointments and still feel at ease that everything is going as expected. I am thankful for delivery drivers who are still bringing me all the non-essential items I need (Yesterday-scrunchies because lets be real, I am not doing my hair. Today - paint because I am going to paint a bunch of pieces from Dad's house to match ours. Tomorrow - a cool mirror that will look good in our entry way.) I am thankful for all of the first responders for continuing to keep us safe in a whole new way than usual. 

So for today, my normal is taking my time waking up, making my coffee, having a cookie for breakfast, signing onto my classroom and emails, encouraging my kiddos and parents, make some lunch, come up with a house chore I can do, do some yoga stretches (my lower back is sore these days!) watch some TV or read a book, check in on school stuff, maybe take a shower, look forward to the dinner Matt is cooking, watch Jeopardy, Wheel of Fortune, and one of our shows. I will go to bed, say my prayers, and do it all again tomorrow (hopefully with some sunshine). 

In a time of chaos and extreme craziness, follow my mama's favorite quote. 

"Life is 10% what happens to us, 90% how we react to it." Find the "I get to" instead of the "I can't" moments. Remember we are all in this together, you are definitely not alone in this one. 

If nothing else, over the last few years I have learned that normal is just a theory. Our lives are constantly changing. Each day, especially now, we are all doing our best to find our new normal...until the next change comes. :)