Woohoo! I am married. Me, married! If you read my last blog, it was a major concern of mine... and well, my mama's.
But I did it. I found my man. Our wedding was perfect, everything we both pictured and more. I would go back and redo that day every day for the rest of my life. My dad said during his speech at the rehearsal dinner, Matt came into our lives at a time when we all needed him and unbeknownst to him, we ALL needed him. He has been my rock, my tissue, my love and my best friend for the last two years. I am so excited to spend the rest of my life with him and can't believe he chose me...especially after the last two years of emotions he has had to deal with! :)
I posted on Facebook last night because Matt said to me, "You better drink some more water, because your body is going to run out with all the tears you've let out today."
And reality, some days are just like that. He asked what was wrong and the answer is, it feels like everything. I know, I know, I am blessed, I am lucky, I know. Everything is not really the answer, but today thats how I feel.
My mama isn't here. She missed my wedding. I know my angel girl was there and there were little signs all day long that she was, but she was not there, not physically. And, yes, it makes me feel good to know she was there in spirit, but it is not the same.
My daddy is sick, even though he says the doctors are just making it up. After scans, it was apparent that the immunotherapy they were treating his cancer with wasn't enough "maintenance" and he would need to start chemotherapy. Not news we were hoping to hear. He has started a new, more frequent routine. He has had a couple more side effects this time than he did with the previous chemo, but hoping he continues to feel as good as he says he does. It has been a joke with dad and the nurses that honeymooning at Penn in the treatment room wasn't exactly what we had hoped for! :)
Matt's traveling a bit in the next few months and loves to golf in his free time. I have no issue with either, knowing that is part of the job and his favorite thing to do. I grew up with a dad that lived a very similar lifestyle. The part I am struggling most with right now is that my mama isn't here to spend that lonely time with me. I know I have friends and family and frousins that would happily spend time with me. But again, guys, its not the same.
My mama and I would jump in the car and run to HomeGoods and Christmas Tree Shoppe. She would help me plant my flowers and remind me the names of all the ones we liked. She would go for a walk with me or we could binge watch our shows. She would talk over Bruce and Jackson lyrics to explain to me the importance of the songs. She would ride to the shore with me for the day, we would put the sheets on the beds so the house is ready when we go down. She would sit in sweatshirts with me on the beach or on the deck, read a book, or just talk silly stuff together.
My mama would be proud of me. She would be proud of the relationship I have with Matt and she would be proud that I committed to a man that loves me the way he does. She would make fun of me for being so "needy" at times and she would laugh that I didn't have to learn to cook because I have a man for that now. Mama would be proud of the way I enjoyed every minute of my wedding day, not allowing me to get lost in the pain of missing her. My mama would be proud of the simple ways we honored her and proud of Daddy that day.
She would be proud of my Daddy's positivity and strength during his own battle. I don't think she would actually believe that he is as positive and strong as he is. We always worried when he got a cold, because neither one of us had ever been that sick before! ;)
I know, and Daddy knows, he learned that positivity and that strength from my mama girl. He learned how to say "it is what it is" and to not be overly anxious (or to hide it well) from my mama. He learned to hide his fear and to live each day as he wants to, he does not let anything keep him off the golf course. My mama taught him all of this. She would be so proud of him.
I am so proud of him.
I know I got my moms humor, her mannerisms, her body-type and her love of family. I know I got her positivity, her ability to be honest, and her love of life.
I got so many qualities from my mama, so many of her great ones. But I worry I did not get her fearlessness, her strength, and her ability to shrug and say "it is what it is" in all scenarios.
I am scared. I am scared of continuing into the next step of my life, married, wanting kids, without my mom. I am worried about raising kids without her love, her help, and her words of wisdom. I am worried about figuring out how to always be okay with all the golf weekends, and not because I don't want him to, but because I am jealous I can't do my favorite thing...hang out with my mom. I am scared for my dad. He will be mad that I write this, but I am scared he doesn't always feel as good as he says. I am scared that he is going to have a heart attack due to stress of life before the cancer even starts to affect him. I am scared that I am going to live a similar journey with him that I did just two years ago with my mama. I know I will handle all that comes my way, I know I have learned I can handle more than I think. But I am not ready. I am not ready to handle all of that again, especially so soon. I am scared.
I have written before about my therapist once saying, "Stop questioning how or why you feel. Feel it, and then move on." Sometimes the move on period is merely minutes, hours. This time, it feels like days. I know it will pass. I know I am okay. I know I am happy. I know I am the luckiest girl. I know life is good.
But today, just for today (well and yesterday, maybe tomorrow), I am sad and I am scared.
