Won't Ask Why Me

The holidays that have nothing to do with my mama seem to be the hardest. Seems silly. 

Sitting at dinner tonight with Matt’s family and me and dad I couldn’t help but to feel a little sad, anxious even. My mama would have loved just lounging in the sunroom, “watching” golf, reading a book, watching the rain, eating appetizers and being with family. It makes me so sad some days when I remember that’s not something she will ever do with us, I’ll never know what it’s like to have our full family together. 

My dad is the best. He is the definition of strength. 

I thought my mama was, and he’s just showing her up. She was sick, she didn’t let it bring her down. She knew she was dying and she still lived. She could barely breathe and she still made new memories. 

He cared for her when he was sick. He watched helplessly as she took her last breaths and like her, he never once asked why me. 

He spent a year grieving her death, dealing with me (the needy one), Maggie being far away and Jackson seeming a little lost. He was more than a father at this time. He was my therapist, my hope, my strength, my mom, my friend and my rock. One year is all we had to create our new normal before we got the news of my dad’s cancer. 

My dad’s cancer. It sucks. Mostly because, for the most part, he feels good. He looks better than he has in the last three years and minus some old man aches and pains, he still feels good. He’s golfing 3-5 days a week, traveling with friends and trying to stay busy. This week he doesn’t even have time to fit in a much needed haircut! 

That being said, there are still appointments every week, chemo that affects his body and taste, scans that have to be done and so much still unknown. It’s scary. Yet, my superhero dad, once again, is supporting me when I’m being needy, smiling through treatments, and taking advantage of extra naps. Like my mama, not once has he asked why me. 

Because I’ve watched, admired and aspired to be just like them both in their love, strength and selflessness, I refuse to ask why me. 

But I can’t promise to not feel sad when I’m sitting at a full dinner table when I know someone is missing. I can’t promise not to be sad when I see my sister in law laying on her mama, or my cousins making all new memories with theirs. I can’t promise not be sad when I’m laying in bed at night, thinking about my dad being alone or just simply, my mama not being there. I can’t promise not to feel sad, even though I know life is good. 

I never want to sound like I want pity or that I’m depressed or not functioning to my potential. 

I love my life. I love my husband (hehe still funny to say). I love my dad. I love my best frousins and friends. I love my job and people I work with. I love my house and my town. I love the opportunities I have to travel. I love the life I live, I will just always wish she was still living in it. 

One of my friends was trying to put a positive spin on things and anytime she would say “I have to” she would replace it with “I get to” and it really made an impact. 

I get to do all the things I love. I get to be with the ones I love. I get to go to (most) appointments with dad and be there for him. I get to talk to my siblings and keep a relationship with them. I get to go to a job each day that I love. I get to go on vacations and see friends and live in my beautiful house. I get to live this great life. 

This is one of those notes I’m writing unsure of what the purpose. I think it’s an “I’m not sure why I’m crying and my hearts beating so fast” kind of night and it helps to write. 

I think being Father’s Day and spending it just me and dad with my in laws was weird. For the record, Dad will say it wasn’t weird and I’m just being needy again. But to me, this year, it felt weird. 

I’m not sure if it was because I was missing mom, or the fear of what the next year holds for me or for dad, or that it’s the end of the school year and I always get anxious when my routine changes. Who knows. I’m trying to remember to just allow myself to feel it and move on. Tomorrow is a new day. 

I promise to not ask why me and I promise not to say why not someone else. I wouldn’t wish these sad, anxious feelings on anyone else. I know I got this. I know to let go and let God. I know. But man, I pray that he gives me the strength that he has given my parents to get through all the unknown that’s coming our way. Life is good, and I’m so glad I get to live it.